Provoke Not Your Children

In a culture that increasingly leans toward gentle-love and safety-first, much of what appears on this site points in the opposite direction—toward greater toughness, higher standards, and real accountability.

This post may therefore surprise you. In our observation, “tough love” is often an over-reaction rather than a precise response.

Meeting the actual need of an athlete in a given moment sometimes requires an action that looks tough, sometimes gentle, and often somewhere in between. The right match is frequently counter-intuitive:

• A rebellious, audacious, rule-challenging child often needs a moment of gentle understanding.

• A good-natured, go-along child often needs a stark call to action.

• An obstinate, know-it-all child often needs a piece of advice so obvious that you can scarcely believe that is the missing piece.

The point—and the reason the title is deliberately provocative—is that mentors, coaches, and parents must continually question their own norms, assumptions, and apparent understanding, especially in the least obvious ways.

The biblical phrase that follows the title is “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Religious or not, most of us can agree that discipline and instruction should take priority over provocation. Provocation frequently disrupts, overrides, and undoes the very discipline and instruction we intend to provide.

The emotional self is a poor guide. Therefore a coach, mentor, or parent should avoid provoking that emotional self while trying to help another person learn to guide himself.

The goal is not toughness for its own sake, nor gentleness for its own sake. It is accurate, need-matched guidance that leaves the young person stronger, clearer, and more capable of self-coaching.